A Navy Wife’s “Plan for Death”

I drew up my Navy wife’s plan for death many years ago.

An Admiral told me–and the other young Navy wives sitting in the lecture with me–to do so.

Our husbands were all Navy ensigns attending submarine school.

We Navy wives were invited to spend the day at the school and learn about our husbands’ new careers.

We visited the dive tower, listened to lectures, heard stories, and even got to “play” in the command “mock up.”

I manned some training dive planes and sank the boat.

(Submarines are boats; surface ships are ships.)

But it was the admiral’s lecture that shook us up the most.

How to become a good Navy wife

I don’t remember the Admiral’s name. It was his words that never left me.

“The secret to helping your husband is simple. You need to become ‘good Navy wives,” he said.

“And that means you need to learn how to be a widow.”

The thirty women in the audience gasped. None of us had been married more than a few years.

At twenty-two, I was only 15 months into my marriage.

What did he mean? And why would he say such a thing?

The admiral explained he had been the Casualty Assistant Call Officer (CACO) when the USS Thresher sank in 1968.

“I’ll never forget making those house calls. I met Navy wives who didn’t know anything about money or even had to fill their car with gas.”

“I accompanied a chaplain, brought condolences, and gave them the facts we had. Too many of them were completely lost without their husbands.”

“No one knew what it meant to be a widow. They had no idea how to take care of themselves or their families.”

He shook his head. “To be a good Navy wife, to help your husband, you need to be prepared that he won’t come home. You need to be independent. The best way is to learn how to be a widow. You need to work out a plan for death. His death.”

Yikes!

Developing a plan for death

Even at that young age, I was a good researcher.

I set the task and I began. How do I figure out a plan for death? What did it even look like?

I started with that word “widow” and went to the library (of course).

Lynn Caine’s memoir, Widow, was a good place to start.

I haven’t reread the book since, but several points stand out.

• Don’t do anything in the first year that you don’t have to.
• Your job the first year is to grieve.
• Find people you trust and who love you, to listen and grieve with you.
• Don’t make any major financial changes–like buying a car or selling a home–unless you must.
• After a year, take a vacation by yourself far from home. Think through what you want for your life and make a death plan.
• Get bereavement counseling for yourself (and, later, the kids).
• Everyone’s grief is different.

My twenty-three-year-old husband didn’t really want to hear about these plans, but he listened.

We worked it out together. What made the most sense?

We also bought life insurance on him (and for me after the first child’s birth).

And we saved money.

What was this Navy wife’s Plan for Death?

Everyone had different needs or wants.

In those early years, if he died while on active duty, I’d move home and figure out a new life.

Once we started having children, we modified the Plan for Death. I’d take the kids home to his parents and live with them for a year or two.

With both sides of the family living near each other, I’d have support while I figured out our future.

Curiously, now, we never discussed where he’d be buried. I guess we both figured he’d go down with his ship.

No submarine has been lost at sea since the Thresher went down all those years ago.

Some of my Navy wife friends, however, have died.

The value of having a plan

That “not making any changes for a year” has stuck with me ever since.

I’ve passed that advice on to many recent widows. “Sit tight. Your job is to endure the year and then make decisions.”

Realizing you don’t have to act immediately takes one of the (many) pressures off a woman.

Here’s a helpful link to a Survivor’s Checklist (military or not).

Knowing my family would take in the kids and me gave me peace of mind. We had a safe place to go.

Obviously, we modified it later when we owned a house and the children were in school. We would have sat tight in that scenario.

We made wills, bought life insurance, and planned our finances for a “just in case.”

That gave us all peace of mind.

I’m just glad I’ve never had to execute the Plan for Death.

Tweetables

What is a plan for death, and why does everyone need one? Click to Tweet

An Admiral’s advice to young Navy wives: prepare to become a widow. Click to Tweet